We Need To Talk

"No, we don't." "Why don't I just apologize now, and save the hassle?" First, a caveat. Wendy and I are word nerds, and this post does not in any way describe our relationship. In fact, I told her she could write a better post with this subject than I, and she said "forget it." So I'll do the best I can. The title of this post contains the four most feared words in a relationship. Without fear of being labeled sexist, I will also state that they are uttered most often by the female partner, directed to the male partner. That's easy to believe. Take this example, for instance: He walks into a room and finds his wife or significant other sobbing into a tissue and says, "What's wrong, honey?" When she answers "Nothing", he is content to take that at face value and exit the room quickly. The moral? Don't say it if you don't mean it. He'll almost never say those 4 words. So when she comes into the room, snatches the remote from his hand and snaps off the game, he knows something is about to hit the fan. Then she says it - "We need to talk." That may be what she says, but that's not what he hears. He hears something like, "Sit there and be quiet and listen. I'm going to tell you what you're doing wrong, and what you need to do to correct it. I will probably make uncomplimentary references to your mother, your brothers and your sister, so listen closely and listen good. If at any time you try to defend yourself, or argue with anything I'm saying, you'll regret it." With that as prelude, what can he do? Leave the room? No. She'll consider that flight is evidence of guilt. Try to reason with her? No again. She didn't come in the room to listen, she came in to talk. Stomp out of the house and go to the neighborhood bar? That's a good idea, but it just prolongs the agony. She'll be waiting, and the wait will only add venom. How about just trying to look pitiful, and saying something like, "Aw, honey"? Not much hope there, either. The best thing to do is just say, "Okay, sweetie, why don't you have a seat and tell me what's on your mind." Face it guys, you're about to take some lumps. It won't be the only time, but if you play your cards right, it could be one of few rather than one of many. Here are a couple of suggestions to make it short and as un-sweet as possible. 1. Do not attempt to explain your actions or lack thereof. Agree that you either failed to do something, or that you did something wrong. 2. Be penitent. You know you're wrong, she knows you're wrong, her best friend and several of her coworkers know you're wrong. Its futile to argue with that. 3. Promise to be a better human being. This is sort of like New Years Resolutions every few days/weeks/months. Be earnest. 4. At no time do you pick up the remote thinking she's done. You'll know when she's done. It's when she storms out of the room, either in tears or in a fit of pique. 5. Do not try to turn this into a romantic moment. The ice will give your fingers frostbite. 6. Ride it out for as long as it takes. She started this, and she will finish it. If it goes into overtime, pray for a golden goal. 7. Keep in mind throughout that this is the woman you love, and that you want her to be happy. Good luck. They'll give the final score and highlights at 10:00.