Penance for My Last Posting

I got in a fair amount of trouble with my last post, called “We Need To Talk”. As penance, I will attempt to tell the other side – not as easy for me, but I’ll stick my tongue into the other cheek and give it a try. If you recognize yourself in any of the following situations, expect to hear “We need to talk”: 1. To celebrate your anniversary, you bought 4 tickets to the Knicks game. It’s not the tickets that cause the problem. Most wives these days like to go to ball games. Who doesn’t? The trigger here is that you bought 4 tickets instead of 2. Who else is going? Your 2 best buddies from work? So now she’ll be ignored while the 3 of you hoot it up. Nice going, dude. When you get home, don’t bother reaching for the remote. 2. Fact is, women still do the majority of meal preparation. If she’s worked at it, and you sit down to a really nice dinner, don’t turn up the volume so you can enjoy food and television at the same time. And don’t say things like, “Sshh, this is a good part”, and hold up your hand in her direction when she’s telling you something. Show a little class. You’d think that TiVo was invented for a reason, but no, that must have never occurred to you. So instead of enjoying your program together, snuggled up on the couch after dinner, you’re going to get to sit and listen to the magic 4 words, and their follow-on monologue. Guess whose fault that is? Not hers. The word “oaf” comes to mind. 3. Fashion is a safe conversation item, within certain parameters. It’s okay to point out a pretty dress/top/bikini/figure to your wife. But it’s not okay to go on about it. There exists in every couple a magic number that equates to the number of times you can mention how good someone else looks before tipping the scales in the direction of a monologue. Think about it – how many times are you willing to hear her comment on how good some guy looks, how nice his butt is, how sexy that stubble on his face is, or what a hunk he is? In fact, your magic number is probably smaller than hers. The three important words here are: think about it. 4. Before you show up with 3 of your fraternity brothers and a couple of 6-packs, think about how much fun you had the last time she had sisters over without warning you in advance. Plus, if you are like most of us, your volume will be louder, your mess bigger, and you’ll expect more from her than she would from you, given the same situation. Most of the time, even if it’s your man-cave, it’s surrounded by her territory. A little kissing up in advance goes a long way. There are other triggers, but we all know them. Mars vs. Venus? No, just everyday life, with a little exaggeration thrown in. We’re slightly different, but remember, we’re all a lot more alike than we are different, and it can all be fun.

We Need To Talk

"No, we don't." "Why don't I just apologize now, and save the hassle?" First, a caveat. Wendy and I are word nerds, and this post does not in any way describe our relationship. In fact, I told her she could write a better post with this subject than I, and she said "forget it." So I'll do the best I can. The title of this post contains the four most feared words in a relationship. Without fear of being labeled sexist, I will also state that they are uttered most often by the female partner, directed to the male partner. That's easy to believe. Take this example, for instance: He walks into a room and finds his wife or significant other sobbing into a tissue and says, "What's wrong, honey?" When she answers "Nothing", he is content to take that at face value and exit the room quickly. The moral? Don't say it if you don't mean it. He'll almost never say those 4 words. So when she comes into the room, snatches the remote from his hand and snaps off the game, he knows something is about to hit the fan. Then she says it - "We need to talk." That may be what she says, but that's not what he hears. He hears something like, "Sit there and be quiet and listen. I'm going to tell you what you're doing wrong, and what you need to do to correct it. I will probably make uncomplimentary references to your mother, your brothers and your sister, so listen closely and listen good. If at any time you try to defend yourself, or argue with anything I'm saying, you'll regret it." With that as prelude, what can he do? Leave the room? No. She'll consider that flight is evidence of guilt. Try to reason with her? No again. She didn't come in the room to listen, she came in to talk. Stomp out of the house and go to the neighborhood bar? That's a good idea, but it just prolongs the agony. She'll be waiting, and the wait will only add venom. How about just trying to look pitiful, and saying something like, "Aw, honey"? Not much hope there, either. The best thing to do is just say, "Okay, sweetie, why don't you have a seat and tell me what's on your mind." Face it guys, you're about to take some lumps. It won't be the only time, but if you play your cards right, it could be one of few rather than one of many. Here are a couple of suggestions to make it short and as un-sweet as possible. 1. Do not attempt to explain your actions or lack thereof. Agree that you either failed to do something, or that you did something wrong. 2. Be penitent. You know you're wrong, she knows you're wrong, her best friend and several of her coworkers know you're wrong. Its futile to argue with that. 3. Promise to be a better human being. This is sort of like New Years Resolutions every few days/weeks/months. Be earnest. 4. At no time do you pick up the remote thinking she's done. You'll know when she's done. It's when she storms out of the room, either in tears or in a fit of pique. 5. Do not try to turn this into a romantic moment. The ice will give your fingers frostbite. 6. Ride it out for as long as it takes. She started this, and she will finish it. If it goes into overtime, pray for a golden goal. 7. Keep in mind throughout that this is the woman you love, and that you want her to be happy. Good luck. They'll give the final score and highlights at 10:00.

Why Can't You Act Your Age?

I was going down an aisle in WalMart the other day, like all good Americans do periodically, and I heard a little family fuss going on in the next aisle. Over all the usual noise, I heard a mother say “act your age!” I’ve only heard that a few million times, and most of those times I was the one saying it. As I rounded the corner I couldn’t help but peep, just to see what was really happening. She was maybe 30, and her little boy was probably 6. As I got closer, I saw that his eyelids were red and puffy, and that he had those telltale dark colors around his eyes that told me he was way overdue for a nap. He was alternating between sobbing and hiccupping, and stood under the watchful glare of Mom. I had a blinding flash of insight. He was acting his age. He couldn’t have been more than 6, and he was obviously worn out. What he really needed was a nap. I thought back to all those times I had told my own children to act their age, and I realized that they probably were doing just that, too. So what do we really want them to do when we tell them to act their age? I think we want them to act like small, quiet, well-mannered adults. The only problem with this is that they don’t have the coping tools or the life experience to act that way. And oh, by the way, next time you’re in WalMart, take the time to observe the first 25 adults you encounter. Do you really want your kids to act that way? I didn’t think so. So what’s a young mom to do? I can think of a lot of “touchy-feely” suggestions, but most of those only work in the abstract, and most of us live in the here and now. Things like timing shopping trips so that the kids are not too tired to behave; or timing them so that the kids can stay at home with Dad – there are all kinds of good suggestions out there. Problem is, we no longer live in a June and Ward Cleaver time and place, and sometimes going shopping with a sick, tired, cranky little one is the best one can do. Just try real hard not to be a sick, cranky parent in return. One bad actor to a scene is enough.