Penance for My Last Posting

I got in a fair amount of trouble with my last post, called “We Need To Talk”. As penance, I will attempt to tell the other side – not as easy for me, but I’ll stick my tongue into the other cheek and give it a try. If you recognize yourself in any of the following situations, expect to hear “We need to talk”: 1. To celebrate your anniversary, you bought 4 tickets to the Knicks game. It’s not the tickets that cause the problem. Most wives these days like to go to ball games. Who doesn’t? The trigger here is that you bought 4 tickets instead of 2. Who else is going? Your 2 best buddies from work? So now she’ll be ignored while the 3 of you hoot it up. Nice going, dude. When you get home, don’t bother reaching for the remote. 2. Fact is, women still do the majority of meal preparation. If she’s worked at it, and you sit down to a really nice dinner, don’t turn up the volume so you can enjoy food and television at the same time. And don’t say things like, “Sshh, this is a good part”, and hold up your hand in her direction when she’s telling you something. Show a little class. You’d think that TiVo was invented for a reason, but no, that must have never occurred to you. So instead of enjoying your program together, snuggled up on the couch after dinner, you’re going to get to sit and listen to the magic 4 words, and their follow-on monologue. Guess whose fault that is? Not hers. The word “oaf” comes to mind. 3. Fashion is a safe conversation item, within certain parameters. It’s okay to point out a pretty dress/top/bikini/figure to your wife. But it’s not okay to go on about it. There exists in every couple a magic number that equates to the number of times you can mention how good someone else looks before tipping the scales in the direction of a monologue. Think about it – how many times are you willing to hear her comment on how good some guy looks, how nice his butt is, how sexy that stubble on his face is, or what a hunk he is? In fact, your magic number is probably smaller than hers. The three important words here are: think about it. 4. Before you show up with 3 of your fraternity brothers and a couple of 6-packs, think about how much fun you had the last time she had sisters over without warning you in advance. Plus, if you are like most of us, your volume will be louder, your mess bigger, and you’ll expect more from her than she would from you, given the same situation. Most of the time, even if it’s your man-cave, it’s surrounded by her territory. A little kissing up in advance goes a long way. There are other triggers, but we all know them. Mars vs. Venus? No, just everyday life, with a little exaggeration thrown in. We’re slightly different, but remember, we’re all a lot more alike than we are different, and it can all be fun.